Tonight, after live-Tweeting the first of the Star Wars films…that would ep IV, for the uninitiated…@strandedGF and I began discussing our dating issues prior to finally meeting, roughly a year ago (Jan 6, 2013 for those asking).
*be warned, we will be live-tweeting Star Wars: Ep V tomorrow eve*
The dating scene is not easy…and thankfully, we are both out of it now…well, in essence. Being in the swinging lifestyle, means we are not entirely out of it, but that is a different context entirely.
So…dating…we are here to bestow our knowledge unto you.
So pull up a chair, and prepare yourself for whatever horse-shit…er…knowledge we will be offering now.
Oddly enough…@strandedGF is quietly using plants to kill zombies while giggling at my requests for assistance in this endeavour. She obviously does not feel the passion to assist the unassistable…such as you…that I do.
Before you take that last part the wrong way…were you not unassistable (and no, technically unassistable is not a word, but I make this shit up), you would not be coming to us. Could be worse, you might be an Oprah fan.
So here it is, the “Stranded Twelve-Step Program Off an Eleven-Step Pier to Happy Dating-ish”.
Before we go further…we reserve the right to use the “ish” on any word in that sentence.
For starters…I have mentioned @strandedGF is assisting me (sort of) with this post, so the ‘ish’ works there. Twelve-step…again, the pier is only eleven steps…so the ‘ish’ works. Program…are you kidding me?…do I look like a man with a program?-ish? Happy…again…see program-ish. As for dating…unless it involves admitting age, which I rarely do (I’m 42…ish…plus one).
First off, the best way to assess (@strandedGF has argued my spelling of assess in this scenario…and told me to “get your fucking mind off women’s assess) the success of a first date is to make sure they pay.
@strandedGF just asked if she paid for our first date. She did not…thus the “ish”.
So ignore my example, and just assume she…you are all men reading this, right?…just assume she should pay. Truth is, our first date involved @strandedGF eating breakfast and my sipping coffee at the very pub that is nine-storey’s below us now…then a mutual viewing of the film, Les Mis…in which @strandedGF said I could sit within 30 yards of her.
Step two…no giggling during the date. In fact, glaring is probably a better choice. If they do not run after you have glared at them for six hours or so…they might be a keeper. If they do run, they were definitely a keeper…hunt them down before they find another soul-mate…or worse yet, they get a restraining order. Again, in our case, the film was a good idea as she could not see the glaring quite as easily in the dark.
Step three…sex…with them, preferably…but either/or as you probably need the stress relief after the restraining order. Luckily for me…again, darkness and film…no restraining order…
Step four…start over. Let’s just assume that one got the restraining order and you’re screwed, but not in a good way. On the off chance they stayed through six hours of glaring and sex, then skip ahead to step eleven…which, oddly enough, on January 6th of last year I did get through…so anything between this and step eleven is complete fiction on my part.
Step five…find humor, as the number of restraining orders will start to pile up. She will not be your first…nor your last…were she your last, you would skip ahead to step eleven.
Step six….get a lawyer…and maybe a pet dragon. You’re obviously delusional if you are using our plan at this point, so dragons are an option. Especially fire-breathing ones…with big pointy teeth…and stern glares…and maybe a cute giggle.
Step seven…fire the lawyer…just for fun, use the fire-breathing dragon to fire the lawyer (imagine the joy of that!). They were only hired to be fired, were they not? And besides, imagine how much money you can save defending yourself.
Step eight…realize how much money you can save on these restraining orders if you actually had a lawyer who understood 21st Century law…in otherwords, hire another lawyer. Considering the fire-breathing dragon incident…probably not a good idea to try to re-hire the initial lawyer. In fact, at this point, you might want to get rid of the dragon…er…evidence.
Step ten…return to step one and continue until you find someone stupid enough…er…willing to allow you to skip ahead to step eleven.
Step eleven…put a ring on her finger…and make sure she knows just what she means to you as best as you can possibly can explain. Use the example of Jack in Titanic as one who was not man enough to live up to his promises as the bloody wimp died and floated away in deathly cold waters.
Wait…this was an eleven step pier, no?
And being it stops at eleven, should I mention that @strandedGF and I are engaged?
As I typed that last line, the working title for this post was “Ish”…doesn’t seem to work any more. Oddly enough “WTF?” does not work either. Upon further review…and a good suggestion from @strandedGF who actually watched football today (meaning “upon further review” actually fits)…*deep breath*…away we go…