I claim to be an erotic writer but seems I’ve not been writing anything of much lately.
In September of 2017, I left work for six weeks due to stress. The firm our company hired to “assist” employees going through short term leave bullied me back to work by demanding I get on medication or lose my job. This writer does not understand how such company reps, without medical degrees, are allowed to do that even when one’s own doctor does not agree; but that is a story as old as the hills and for another time.
Thanks to the aforementioned bully, I began taking Escitalopram; a medication intended to assist with anxiety and often used in cases of PTSD. Admittedly, shell shock was not my situation, but the meds did the trick. It curbed the stress I was going through. I recommend Googling George Carlin’s take on the language being politically corrected from shell shock to PTSD…fascinating and bang on…damn, I miss that man.
Before I go on, I am not writing this to slag the medication at all. To the contrary, in fact, as it did what it was supposed to do very well. I am writing this as we all know someone on meds or who has mental health issues yet there are very few open discussions around the results some of these treatments provide. I cannot offer any medical facts of what these pills did, but I can give the results I have seen while I was on them and since.
The only immediate side effect that became obvious when taking the pills was no longer being able to climax quickly. Whether by my own hand or another didn’t matter. At the time my doctor and I joked that my ethically non-monogamous lifestyle was not going to be harmed at all by this. The other side effects just blurred their way in without my noticing over the following twenty months as this medication severely dulled my creativity and libido.
On May 2, this year, my doctor and I agreed to begin the weaning by cutting my dose in half. Three weeks later, during a May 24 physical appointment, we discussed and then decided to end my use of this medication.
Today is day 25 of my withdrawal from it. The rebound has begun.
I am lucky on this point. One side effect my doctor warned me of early on is that some people have their brains rewritten, in a sense, by the combination of shocks, stress and medication to where they are unable to get off this medication. The brain is one of the largest mysteries, generally speaking, we have going and we rarely talk openly about mental health and the medicines involved, never mind what happens after.
The first things that have come back are temper and aggression. Neither of these has ever been strong drivers in my life. The other things that tend to tamp these two down have not yet returned to full strength yet.
My younglings see me as grumpy lately. Going through withdrawal combined with a recent bout of bronchitis over the past two weeks explains the temper, but shows something I need to work on. On the aggression, last evening I wanted to drag someone around the bed and simply use them; with said partner(s)’s enthusiastic consent, of course. Bronchitis did not leave me able to do this yet, but @LaurasPond will be the first to benefit when I can do it. She does enjoy more aggression than I can usually give, so I need to do this for her while I can.
A friend once referred to me as hedonist with just a slight dark side; likely why I am such a good doorkeeper on kinks that help people take the first step before they find their path and go further than I can.
I recently spoke to Laura about my craving for a double blowjob; the act of receiving a blowjob from two mouths at once. With ethical non-monogamy being a matriarchal experience, it is a rare event and I am not one that derives power from the act…I’ve said many times before, any man who feels power over someone giving them a blowjob is forgetting where their teeth are. The pleasure, however, is indescribable and always different with each experience.
I do recall once that Laura, our friendly unicorn friend, and I gave Laura’s then boyfriend a triple blowjob. I’m still a little jealous of that one, but maybe one day…
While I was on the meds, I’m not sure I would have felt this craving. Even if I did, it might have been so dulled that I could not express it. Might have even simply pushed it aside.
With the knowledge and cravings that are coming now, safe to say that libido is inline with temper and aggression more than I realized. It also gives some insight into some of the ridiculous acts that single males perform when they feel entitled.
Logic and creativity, which writing this shows to me they are coming back as well, are what help me keep those two in check.
I’ve often said that allowing the libido out to play in a consensual way, rather than dousing it in the inflammatory fuel that is taboo, makes it stronger and much easier to control.
As such, this is what I have for now. Something of an empty, non-climactic ending to this post. Not certain yet if this is a one off where I will go quiet again following it as I have for more than a year now or if this is, as I hope, the beginning of my rebound.
Now, about that blowjob…