Best New Heroes, Ever!


“Why the fuck did you give me glasses?” Gray asked and looked at me over the wire-rimmed frames. “Unlike the writer of this shyte, the characters don’t need to get old. We should stay virile and strong.”


His eyes shifted to Apple sitting on the couch beside him.

“Remember what happened the last time you pissed the writer off?”

He shrugged. “What more can he do to me? I mean, he’s been busy writing novels and has avoided us for four years. He can’t have much left.”

Apple looked at me and gave a tight smirk.

With a pop, Gray vanished.

She looked at me. “I warned him. I like the dress, by the way. Much as I like being naked, there’s something about high fashion.” Her hands smoothed out the skirt of the purple dress that covered down to her knees. Next, she pushed a length of red hair back over her bare shoulder. She crossed her legs, and the black pump dangled off, hanging from her big toe. “Are we going to be waiting long for him?”

“Hi there!” a deep male voice boomed.

Apple jumped and looked around the darkness surrounding her. “Hello?”

A large man in a black suit walked in with his shoes clicking on the floor and a black briefcase swinging at his side. He smiled down at her and pulled his dark glasses off. He put the briefcase down and closed the glasses. “You must be Apple. It is lovely to meet you.” After depositing the spectacles inside his coat, he offered her a hand to shake.

Apple excepted the hand and stood. “Hi there, indeed.” She looked at me and mouthed, “Thank you.”

“I have something for you. May I?” He gestured to the couch.

“Please,” she nodded and lowered back down to the couch.

“My, you are attractive.” After an exaggerated sigh, he unbuttoned his jacket and sat beside her. He pulled his briefcase onto his lap and opened it. “Our supreme leader has a task for you.”

Her eyes shifted to me with an annoyed stare. “Is that what he wants to be called now?”

“I’m sorry, I’m a new character. What did you call him before?” He pulled a sheet of paper from his briefcase and handed it to her. “You are to read this.”

Her eyes scanned the sheet. Her annoyed stare returned to me. “Seriously, I’m fucking Elvira now?”

“Oh, she is a beautiful woman.” His smile vanished to an overly apologetic face. “But nothing compared to you.”

Gray reappeared with a pop. He stood beside the couch, swaying before his hand found the armrest beside Apple for balance.

“Holy fuck!” the man barked. “Such bruises and your clothes are disheveled.”

“Disheveled? Who says Disheveled?” Gray’s eyes went to the man.

“Are you okay, sir?”

“No, I’m not.”

“Oh good, carry on then.” The man smiled at him.

After some fast blinks, Gray’s gaze turned to Apple. “Who the fuck is the suit?”

Apple shrugged and handed him the sheet.

“I’m sorry. I really should introduce myself.” He stood and buttoned his jacket again. “I am The Stock Broker.”

Apple and Gray both looked at him before exchanging glances.

Gray looked at the sheet. “We’re supposed to read this?”

Apple nodded. “That’s not the worst part. Read the last paragraph.”

Gray scanned the sheet for a moment. After an exaggerated huff, he reached into his pocket and pulled out his glasses.

“Come on, old man,” Apple said with a giggle.

After a quick glare at her, Gray began to recite the sheet. “Apple and I are pleased to introduce The Stock Broker, one of the characters in a new C.P. McClennan series: These Guys are Super?” He looked at me for a moment and cleared his throat before returning to the sheet. “This weekend. October…ah?”

“October fourteenth,” Apple said.

Gray nodded. “Thanks. On October 14th, you’ll meet Auntie Klimacks and her sidekick, The Stock Broker, as they fight the forces of evil and have erotic adventures.”

The Stock Broker’s smile fell. “Sidekick? That can’t be right.”

Gray stepped in front of Apple and pointed at the sheet. “That’s what it says right here.”

The Stock Broker moved close and squinted. “One moment.” He pulled his glasses back from his jacket and slipped them on. Leaning forward, he mouthed the words as he read them.

“A super who actually needs glasses?” Gray laughed. “This is gonna be good.”

“I thought Kay was my sidekick.” He stood back up. The confidence had vanished from his face.

“I believe it was the Dreadpirate Wesley that once said, get used to disappointment.” Gray moved back and sat side-saddle on the armrest.

“Read the rest,” Apple urged. “This will cheer us all up, I’m sure.”

“Apple and I will be by during the week after each episode of These Guys are Super? to recap and discuss possibilities with characters, the supreme being…who the fuck is the supreme being?” He glanced back at Apple.

Apple pointed at me.

Gray looked at me and blinked. His eyes returned to the sheet. “…as well as some people that have absolutely nothing to do with the series. What the fuck?”

Apple laughed. “We’re now just hosts. I thought we were Elvira at first, but…”

“It’s that Trek recap show,” The Stock Broker said.

Both looked at him.

He slumped back on the couch beside Apple and slouched into the corner. “The supreme being watched an episode of some weekly recap of the new Star Trek series. He found it so intellectually stimulating and inspiring and felt it was a good idea for our new series.”

“This is humour erotica,” Apple interrupted. “He likely found it silly and stupid. This is a disaster waiting to happen.”

“Does that mean no more sex scenes for us?” Gray asked.

Apple rolled her eyes.

Gray gestured at me. “He’s an erotic writer.” He looked at Apple. “You’re fucking gorgeous, and I’m a god of a lover that you’re lucky to be with.”

The laugh that erupted from Apple made her fall off the couch and land on the floor with a smack of ass cheeks.

“What?” Gray asked in a whimpish voice.

“How do you say that with a straight face?” She rolled to her knees and put her hands on the couch.

The Stock Broker stood and helped Apple back to her feet. “I’m so sorry. I feel awful about this.”

“I know, I want more sex scenes to show off my prowess,” Gray agreed.

Apple stepped back and held her arms out with a flat palm to both men.

The men responded with silence.

With a nod, Apple showed that this was the response she wanted. Spinning on her heels, she walked away into the dark.

Gray looked at me. “This is why you brought us back?”

The Stock Broker picked up his briefcase. “I need a serious drink.”

“I’m coming with you.” Gray stood.

The clicking of heels announced Apple’s return before they saw her. She walked into the light and glared at me as she passed. “Come on, boys. First round is on me. Then I want a proper spit-roasting back at my place.”

“Oh, my,” The Stock Broker said with a grin spreading across his face.

“Okay, there are some benefits of being characters of this idiot’s imagination.” Grey crumpled up the sheet and tossed it over his shoulder.

“Gray, no!” Apple’s head slumped forward into her hands.

Gray laughed. “What did I do now?” With a pop, he vanished with nothing but the echo of his voice left yelling, “Shit!”

Apple turned to The Stock Broker, and her eyes dropped to the front of his pants. “Being he’s going to make fun of your alleged superpowers, but he is an erotic writer, can I assume he gave you some good stuff down there?”

The Stock Broker smiled broadly.

Apple spun and walked. “Drink first, then orgasms. If Gray’s lucky, he’ll be back for round two.”

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